Zombie Nightmare

Cast of Characters:
Capt. Tom Churchman – Adam West
Tony Washington – Jon Mikl Thor
Amy – Tia Carrere
Molly Mokembe – Manuska Rigaud
Det. Frank Sorrell – Frank Dietz
Maggie – Linda Singer

Director – Jack Bravman
Writer – David Wellington
Producer – Pierre Grise
Distributor – Shapiro Entertainment
Running Time – 89 minutes
Rated R

When he was just a wee, little Montreal tyke, Tony Washington (Jesse D’Angelo) had his life forever changed. While on his way home from a baseball practice with his parents, William (John Fasano) and Louise (Francesca Bonacorsa), Tony witnessed his father being murdered while trying to save a young girl from being raped by two teenage greasers.

See? This is what being a good Samaritan gets you… Killed.

Fast forward years later, and Tony (Jon Mikl Thor) is now a bright, athletic, questionably teenage, possibly adult, definitely middle-aged baseball player with his whole life ahead of him, which only means he most certainly is about to die. While out getting groceries for his mother and saving the convenient store from armed shoplifters, he is tragically run over in super slow-motion and killed by a group of teenage ne’er-do-wells – Jim (Shawn Levy), Amy (Tia Carrere), Bob (Allan Fisher), Peter (Hamish McEwan) and Susie (Manon E. Turbide). Louise is unwilling to accept her son’s horrific death. Of course, can you blame her when she finds out by way of the convenient store clerk literally dropping off her son’s lifeless body in the front yard? Wanting to right the wrong done to her precious child, Louise visits a voodoo priestess named Molly Mokembe (Manuska Rigaud), who just so happens to be the girl William saved all those years ago.

Oh my God… what a coinkydink that is!

Molly repays Louise by resurrecting Tony; however, she makes clear that she’ll be unable to bring him fully back to life and can only resurrect him in unread form long enough for him to avenge his death.

As Tony quenches his thirst for vengeance, Det. Frank Sorrell (Frank Dietz) and his superior, Capt. Tom Churchman (Adam West) must figure out the identity of the killer responsible for the mounting body count.

Shouldn’t be too hard. It’s the giant, walking corpse.

Also, for being allegedly in high school, Tony looks to be in his mid-30s, so unless he has a severe learning disability that has kept holding him back a grade for roughly 10-15 years straight, I’m calling bull shit there.

8 Lessons Learned:

1) “If you know what I mean, officer” is janitor speak for fucking.

2) Speaking of fucking, did you know that nothing gets the blood pumping in the nads more than a hot and bothersome game of tennis?

3) After committing an act of vehicular manslaughter, the smartest thing to do next is to openly brag about it to your friends at a public restaurant surrounded by more than enough people within earshot of catching your perfectly admissible in court confession.

4) Fabricating the end to a murder investigation isn’t technically solving the case, but fuck it – let’s celebrate anyway.

5) Montreal residents bleed fluorescent red.

6) Zombies struggle with male-pattern baldness.

7) My ears may have been playing tricks on me… but I think Humphrey Bogart now works as the Montreal medical examiner.

8) This zombie hobbles around like he’s had a hemorrhoid plugging up his asshole for the past ten years. If he still manages to catch up to you, then you deserve the fatal shit-kicking you’re about to receive.

Brought to you by – surprise, surprise – porn aficionado Jack Bravman, Zombie Nightmare’s most obvious takeaway, besides that it’s actually a slasher movie disguised as a zombie movie, is that Canada needs more Boys and Girls Club centers. For a country that prides itself on its so-called politeness, this film would almost convince you into believing that the youth of the Great White North is plagued with an uncontrollable urge to be absolute shitheads.

Nevertheless, the fun has only begun as the time to pay the piper draws closer for those prickish, preppy Canucks, and vengeance, thy name is teen baseball stud by day, Dokken roadie by night Tony Washington. You know you’re in store for a wild cinematic ride when the film opens immediately with a mulleted muscle-shirted beefcake being resurrected by a Hatian stereotype so over-the-top it’d make Sanka from Cool Runnings seem understated. Once awakened, the monster’s horrifying wails scream directly into Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades”.

Yes, this film is as subtle as a lead pipe to the nutsack.

Leave it to the artist formerly known as Batman, Adam West, to bring some semblance of balance to the insanity by acting so fucking bored here, I swear I saw him reading his lines off a scrip during one scene.

Kudos to the editors for letting that one just fly right over their heads.

“Da-na-na-na-da-na-na-na! KER-SPLOOSH!!”

Meanwhile, back at the bat-cave! Our Caped Crusader plans his course of action against his diabolical foe. Joker? No! Riddler? No! Penguin? Nope! Alas, just when you thought the city was safe, Church-Man comes face-to-face with his new challenger: a roided-out, decomposed Eddie Van Halen with a killer swing. Whether he’s crushing out a long ball or crushing in the skulls of those that did him wrong, this monster’s always batting a thousand.

Move over, Ty Cobb.

“Da-na-na-na-da-na-na-na! BONK!!”

But wait! The plot thickens as another villain enters the picture, and this fiendish nemesis could very well be the one match Church-Man has been hoping he never has to face. Mr. Freeze? No! Catwoman? No! The Puzzler? Nope! Mad Hatter? Definitely not! False Face? No! It’s Jim, the punk, dickhead teen and world’s biggest John Cougar Mellencamp fan. Jim is bad, bad news for the citizens of Montreal as he is arms with these super dangerous abilities…

• Sexually harassing the local Twist & Creme waitresses to no end.
• Overstating the size of his wee, wittle pee-pee.
• Tossing leftover spaghetti at his mom like a whiny bitch.
• Threatening restaurant patrons to “EAT YOUR ICE CREAM!!!!” when his manhood gets publicly emasculated by fed-up waitresses.
• Worst of all, transforming into his hideous alter-ego, director Shawn Levy, who possesses the terrifying power of blinding his victims with poisonous celluloid such as Big Fat Liar, Just Married and The Pink Panther remake.

Ladies, if you think comparing yourself to his older sister will put the kibosh on him trying to nap that sweet, sweet, moist punany of yours, think again. Attempting to twist his advances into some sort of forbidden sisterly love will only make an ass-hat like him try harder. Sure, his nagging persistence is bordering on attempted rape, but God bless that aspiring serial killer for giving it the old college try. I mean, he’s already checked-off third-degree murder from his bucket list, so is it really that crazy to think that rape and hypothetical incest are still on the table?

Have you considered picking up racquetball? I hear that works.

Also, I’m confused. When you say “older sister”, is it the sister part that’s the disqualifier, or the age? Does that mean younger sisters get the green light?

If you know what I mean, officer.

But what concerns Church-Man the absolute most is Jim’s most evil claim to fame: he made Tony into the monster he’d ultimately become the very moment he ran him over with his car, scoring a massive hard-on in the process of “snuffing out that big candle… splat.”

“Hey, I say I made you, you gotta say you made me. I mean, how childish can you get?”

Normally, people develop some form of trauma from a life-altering event such as that, but good on Jimbo for taking it like a sociopathic champ and just letting it roll off his back. However, it should be noted that, all legality aside, this was a car accident, but leave it to that twerpy, little douche-nozzle to act like he scored some bitchin’ badass Mickey Knox Natural Born Killers badge of honor.

Uh – Jim, the only thing more fragile than your hundred pounds soaking wet frame, is your insecure sense of masculinity, so how ’bout you calm your tits, Whitesnake?

Can Church-Man save the day once and for all for the people of Montreal? Stay tuned to find out as he and his trusty sidekick, Great Value brand Andrew McCarthy fight the forces of evil and crack the case of whether or not this movie wants to be a monster flick, a police procedural drama or an unfortunate precursor to I Know What You Did Last Summer.

“Ba-da-la-la-ba-da-la-la-ba-da-la-la-ba-da-la-la! KAPOW!!”

“Holy vehicular manslaughter, Church-Man! Those monsters are on the loose!”

“Yes, indeed, second-rate Blane McDonough, and I believe it all points to voodoo priestess Molly Mokembe as the source of it all.”

“But, Church-Man, Molly is our only reliable alibi in this case.”

“Isn’t it obvious? Only a criminal would disguise herself as some kind of unintelligible, bastard voodoo progeny of Miss Cleo and Katharine Hepburn in order to callously allow one of the unread to destroy the love of Wayne Campbell’s life. There’s no time to lose. To the church-poles!”

“Ooh!! You had me at church-pole.”

“Da-na-na-na-da-na-na-na! WHAP!!!!”

Will Church-Man and bargain bin Kevin Dolenz nab Tony? Will Miss Mokembe be cleared of all tee charges, mahn? For the love of God, will Shawn Levy wreak city-wide havoc with another Cheaper by the Dozen sequel? Shouldn’t a film this cheap looking be expected from a director transitioning from porn? Will Adam West wake up from his phoned-in slumber? How the hell did this film manage to reach elbow-deep up its asshole and yank out a thread-tying, character-connecting twist more preposterous than M. Night Shyamalan on shrooms! Answers… tomorrow night! Same time, same channel!

Judgment: Shoddy production values, laughable dialogue, and acting ranging from overly ham-fisted to Adam West distracted by the thought of when his check will clear at the bank – Zombie Nightmare won’t ever be mistaken for high art, but you can’t help but feel entertained by the go-for-broke spirit of those involved onscreen… even if that sentiment is very noticeably to a fault.

Sentence: 25 years running Jimbo’s rapey advances. “You’ll have it and LOVE IT!!”

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