The Room

Cast of Characters:
Johnny – Tommy Wiseau
Lisa – Juliette Danielle
Mark – Greg Sestero
Denny – Philip Haldiman
Claudette – Carolyn Minnott

Director – Tommy Wiseau
Writer – Tommy Wiseau
Producer – Tommy Wiseau
Distributor – Chloe Productions & TPW Films
Running Time – 99 minutes
Rated R for sexuality, language and brief violence.

Meet Johnny (Tommy Wiseau). He has a nice home, a nice job as a successful banker, a loyal best friend Mark (Greg Sestero), and an even more loyal, beautiful princess future wife Lisa (Juliette Danielle), who is currently fucking his loyal best friend Mark behind his back. Life is good. More importantly, the world would be a better place if everyone learned to love each other, and if Lisa would stop being such a horrible, raging cunt.

Also, Johnny’s next-door neighbor Denny (Philip Haldiman) is in deep financially with his drug dealer, and Lisa’s mom Claudette (Carolyn Minnott) definitely has breast cancer. Let’s play some football now. Make sure to wear your tux.

Oh, and how’s your sex life?

Did any of that make sense to you? No? Well… I tried. Believe me, you’re not alone, and by “not alone” I mean literally everyone not named Tommy Wiseau.

Dubbed as the “Citizen Kane of bad movies”, Tommy Wiseau’s ode to love, football and framed pictures of spoons simply titled The Room is the cinematic epitome of inexplicable. How did such an inept film become arguably the biggest cult hit of bad films, so much so that it led to a book co-authored by co-star Greg Sestero, The Disaster Artist, that recounted his experiences during the film’s rocky production, which in turn led to James Franco’s critical hit adaptation of the same name? More curiously, how the hell did this film cost $6 million to make? Where the hell all that money went to remains a mystery, but I’m convinced none of it went toward the film.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. The Room? What the hell is this movie about? I’m sure, like everyone else that drove down Los Angeles and saw Wiseau’s Hills Have Eyes face plastered across a giant billboard, your first thought was this had to be some serial killer documentary. But honestly, this is a movie that is truly difficult, dare I say impossible, to describe. Nothing I say out of my dumb mouth or type up with my weak little hands will do this film justice. You need to visually soak in all ninety-nine minutes of this film to really appreciate every bit of the absolute, majestic, bat-shit utter bugfuckery going on here.

The Room not only defies logic, it goes full balls out, big dick swinging, wagging two middle fingers in the air at logic.

Consider this film the Bizarro Godfather. The Godfather is a cinematic masterpiece that manages to reveal something new and profound with each re-watch. In the not-so same way, The Room is a cinematic dumpster fire that will unleash a new mindfuck on your psyche with each re-watch, leaving you with more questions mounted on top of the existing questions you already had from the previous re-watches.

It’s best to just let the unexplainable stay the unexaplainable.

Now, to be clear, your tolerance of complete and total onscreen incompetence will determine whether you have a knee-slapping laugh riot with this, or if your face melts away like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. More than likely, it’ll be a combination of the two thanks to just the sex scenes alone. Oh, yes, those amazing sex scenes, which feel like a third of the film’s total runtime and consist of the following: hysterically obvious overdubbing, tacky ’90s R&B music Wiseau probably picked up in the bargain bin at the nearest Goodwill store, one scene that I swear is just reused shots from the scene before it, and of course, Wiseau humping Juliette Danielle’s belly button. But if you’re willing to quickly down some Dramamine and brave the ruthlessly disorienting onslaught of puzzling non sequiturs, red herrings and all that naval sex getting hurled at you, then I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

I mean, you know you’re in for a real treat when you get not just one but two opening production company logos for the same production company at the beginning of the film, before kicking things off with a musical score that sounds like it was ripped straight from the King’s Quest video game.

MS-DOS… those were the days.

Make sure to do some finger and wrist warm up stretches before viewing, though. My first viewing provided me with so many “What the fuck????” moments I was hitting the rewind button like a bugged-out morphine addict rapid-fire tapping their PCA pump and nearly developed carpal tunnel.

Of course, for those that have seen The Room, it goes without saying that no one knows where to begin in explaining the unexplainable and describing the indescribable. At its core, this is really a story about the betrayal of a man by his manipulative girlfriend and asshole best friend. Some have speculated that this central conflict may or may not be autobiographical, a rumor that even many of the cast lean toward in interviews following the film blowing up into the cult hit it is now. Maybe there is a real life bitch named Lisa that tore Timmy Wiseau apaaaahhhht, which made him determined beyond all measure to stick it to her by first humping her favorite red dress… and then creating a damning tell-all in the most meandering, nonsensical way possible by distracting viewers with a non-stop deluge of baffling dead ends and dialogue that will leave even the smartest human behaviorists absolutely dumbfounded.

But if you can sift through all the puzzling bull shit on display, the message and moral of this story will eventually appear to you clear as day: Johnny is so wonderful and so innocent he’d beat out even Jesus Christ himself for sainthood, and Lisa is a cheating whore who wouldn’t know how good she had it with the wonderful man that is Johnny even if that realization jumped up and bit her in her whore ass.

Don’t worry, though. If you’re still having trouble seeing it, every character surrounding Johnny and Lisa will drive that point into your head like a jackhammer: “I can’t do this to Johnny. He’s my best friend.”, “Johnny is Mark’s best friend.”, “Johnny is so great.”, “Johnny is so wonderful.”

Will you all quit riding his dick already?

I’m honestly surprised that Tommy Wiseau’s grandiose sense of self-worth didn’t move him to insert a CGI halo over his head.

What’s most abundantly clear throughout The Room, however, is the fact that Tommy Wiseau just does not understand people. Sure, we could talk all day about the glaring technical blunders and oddities ’cause there are a bevy of them. Why shoot on an actual practical San Francisco rooftop when you can build an entire roof set and then green screen in a San Francisco background? Why capture sound on-set when you can just overdub awkward ADR (automated dialogue replacement) in post-production? Why have to choose between shooting in digital or film when you can combine them on a custom-made camera rig? They’re not clumsily-framed shots. You just don’t get art. Why rewrite scenes after an actor has to leave mid-shoot due to scheduling conflicts when you can just create a whole new third-act character out of the blue, then give them the original character’s lines as if nothing happened? That’s not confusing at all.

The list of egregious errors is endless, but chief among them, and by far the most hilarious, is Wiseau’s inability to grasp humans. No, I’m not talking about an out-of-touch male that doesn’t grasp the female experience. No, I’m not talking about someone with a weird, European-sounding accent that doesn’t get American culture and the script winds up getting lost in translation. No, no, no, no. When you treat a cancer diagnosis like it’s an inconsequential cavity found during a dental cleaning, or when a character casually admits to her mom and friend that she is being abused by her significant other like the thought of getting physically smacked around just bored her out of her fucking mind… well, that says to me that you don’t have the slightest clue as to how human beings in general behave.

So, yeah, Tommy’s grasp of humanity is at best extraterrestrial, but that should be expected from a guy who quotes lines in the movie that HE HIMSELF WROTE like he’s completely confused by what he’s saying. And incomprehensible and illogical as it may be, dammit if it ain’t a blast watching all these characters act the way they do. Not since the late, great author J. R. R. Tolkien brought Middle Earth to life have we been treated to characters this eclectic and richly developed.

So let’s meet them all. Here we go!

The Usual Suspects:

1) Johnny

• Nothing gets him in the mood for fucking more than pillow fighting.
• Is completely unfazed at his friend Denny’s own admission that he likes to perv on him and Lisa having sex.
• Believes the vagina to be located somewhere around the mid-torso region of the body.
• For someone that looks like the offspring of Christopher Walken and a toad, he thinks quite highly of his physique.
• Doesn’t know what the word fiancée means.
• No matter what you heard, he did not hit her and it’s bull shit. He did naaaaaaaahhhht.
• Always gets an amusing tickle when hearing about women getting beaten up to the point of hospitalization.
• Absolutely hates it when Lisa tears him apart.
• Doesn’t like talking about confidential work matters ’cause it distracts him from finding out how your sex life is going.
• Finds that what really hits the spot after some good dry-humping of his ex’s dress is swallowing a bullet right through the back of his head.

2) Lisa

• Takes five years of being in a serious relationship with Johnny to finally realize he’s boring.
• Suffers from a real severe case of resting bitch face.
• Just can’t get any luck with her line of work in the super competitive computer business.
• Always criticized by her family and friends for manipulating Johnny, and oddly enough, for also not being even more of a gold digger.
• Can get anyone to drink anything by simply saying, “If you love me, you’ll drink this.” Fun facts: Jim Jones and Bill Cosby both said the very same thing once… or sixty times in Cosby’s case.
• From out of nowhere, like most things in this movie, starts claiming that Johnny abuses her physically. Well, if that’s what it takes to spice up your admittedly stale relationship, sweetheart. Beggars can’t be choosers.
• Couldn’t appear any more I don’t give a fuck indifferent when admitting Johnny drunkenly beats her on a nightly basis.
• Well, if you’re the one peer-pressuring him to drink, I don’t wanna be the victim-blamer that says you had it coming, buuuut…
• “I told you, mom. Johnny is very caring about the people in his life.” – Lisa, literally the VERY. NEXT. SCENE. after telling her mom that Johnny beats her.
• Doesn’t just want to live… She wants to live, live… liiiive.
• Well, considering her accusations, I would initially take that line as a desperate cry for help, but her giddy, lustful grin and little shimmy tells me otherwise.
• Always thinking outside the box for Johnny’s birthday party, like inviting his friends. Good thinking, Lisa. No one ever thinks to do that for their birthday parties.
• Will wield a fake pregnancy scare like a kid who found his dad’s gun if it gets her what she wants… This. bitch. is. psycho.

3) Mark

• Look… Johnny is his best friend. The only reason he fucks Lisa behind his best friend’s back is ’cause she makes him do it, or as he puts it, “God, why did you do this to me? Why… Johnny is my best friend.” Well, if that’s true, you may wanna call the cops, ’cause I think your best friend’s future wife just raped you, you pussy.
• Short of Lisa hopping on his dick and just fucking him right there on the spot, is completely oblivious to every come-on she gives him. I mean the candles… the music… the sexy dress… What’s going on here?
• Is so hot and hard for Lisa, he’ll just fuck her on a hard-edged spiral staircase rather than take her to the bed that’s literally only eight feet away.
• Is a grown adult, yet smokes his hidden stash of weed on the rooftop as if he’s fourteen and still living with his parents.
• I’m not sure what kind of weed he’s smoking, but whatever it is makes him lash out in psychotic fits of rage.
• Shaving his beard is a life-changing event for everyone.

4) Denny

• Likes to watch Johnny and Lisa have sex.
• Also views Johnny as a father figure, meaning he likes to watch his surrogate father have sex.
• Might be slightly retarded.
• Will suddenly blurt out to Lisa if he can kiss her. Might be a Tourette’s tic, but the rapey, serial killer grin on his face suggests it’s ’cause he’s a creep… a slightly retarded creep.
• Has a crippling drug addiction that he manages to kick over the course of just one scene.
• Doesn’t like people ganging up on him. Stop doing that.
• In just thirty seconds, goes from professing his undying love for Lisa straight to Johnny’s face to then mapping out the rest of his life with some girl named Elizabeth who’ll he’ll marry and have kids with once done with college. Sounds like a horrible husband and father already.

5) Claudette

• God, why is Lisa such a bit – oh, yeah. Never mind. That’s why.
• Has little to no faith in her daughter Lisa, and quite honestly, I don’t blame her.
• Is the first and only person in the entire history of the world to casually bring up their cancer diagnosis like it’s just a by the way aside.
• Hates that her brother is reaching out to her for financial help. Thank God for all that cancer to help take her mind off that free-loading asshole.
• Is the only fucking person in the entire movie with even just the slightest bit of awareness to ask where the fuck all these random people popping in and out of Johnny’s place are coming from.
• Tends to get tired and wore out a lot from shopping. You sure that ain’t the cancer? Did you forget about that like the movie did the very second after you announced it?

6) Mike

• Has no problem taking his girlfriend Michelle to someone else’s house to fuck her.
• Thinks he has to use the “homework and studying” excuse to fuck his grown-ass adult girlfriend like they’re still in high school.
• Firmly believes that chocolate is the symbol of love.
• I can’t tell from his facial expressions if he’s getting his dick sucked or if he’s having a massive stroke.
• Equates someone else finding “me underwears” at Johnny’s place to a tragedy.
• Can’t hang out with the boys today ’cause he made plans with Michelle to make out.
• Is a grown-ass man that looks forward to making out like he’s some hormonal adolescent who’s never kissed a girl before.
• Is a grown-ass man that feels he has to schedule make out time with his girlfriend. Either Michelle has that tight a leash on him, or he’s a fucking child.
• Gets a full-blown concussion from just slightly bumping into Mark.
• That’s clearly not the only reason he needs to schedule a CT scan immediately.

7) Michelle

• Gives the most mind-blowing, amazing blow jobs.
• Immediately acts mortified upon hearing from Lisa that Johnny hits her. Oh my GOD!! Thank you! FINALLY, someone shows even the tiniest bit of concern over an allegation that even the alleged victim doesn’t give a shit about.
• And then five seconds later, acts even more mortified when Lisa admits she doesn’t want to marry the man she just claimed beats her when shit-faced.
• Lectures Lisa about how wrong it is for her to be dating someone behind the allegedly abusive Johnny’s back, before then gleefully asking Lisa who the new mystery boyfriend is. Well holy shit, Michelle! Which fucking side are you taking here?

8) Chris-R

• Where’s his fucking money, Denny?
• You know what? He ain’t got five FUCKING MINUTES!!!!
• Somehow is able to get taken down by Johnny and Mark, transported to the police station, booked and then detained in the span of – oh hey, imagine that. Five minutes… Ironic, huh?
• Probably a weed dealer, and yet this CrossFitting needle dick’s acting like he’s Pablo fucking Escobar. Dude, the only kind of people that sell weed are hipster dispensary employees and that unemployed loser down the street in the subsidized housing unit who place reeks of ganja and weeks old nacho cheese, so you ain’t fooling anybody.
• Then again, he still has a gun to your head, Denny, so where’s his fucking money?

9) Peter

• “People are people.” – Peter the psychologist.
• For supposedly being an expert in analyzing the human mind, he constantly looks confused as fuck.
• Is accused by Johnny of always playing psychologist with his friends… Going out on a limb here, but I think that’s ’cause it’s his job.
• Then again, Johnny’s your friend not your client, so get off his fucking back, dude.
• Is practically next door to the gold mine that is Johnny’s psychoses-riddled future wife Lisa, but would rather dick around with his friends instead. Missed opportunity, man.
• Is far more forgiving than he should be after Mark nearly throws him off a roof during one of his bizarre weed freak-outs, then just brushes it off like nothing happened with a quick, “Hey… sorry about that.”
• After he stumbles and falls while playing tuxedo-clad football with the guys, he says, “That’s it. I’m done.”, then disappears for the rest of the movie. To this day, I’m still debating whether that was just something Peter says, or if actor Kyle Vogt broke character and was finally fed up with all this bull shit.

10) Steven

• Who the fuck is this guy?
• No introduction, no backstory, no name to start with even, just shows up out of nowhere toward the end of the film and starts yelling at people. Yeah, he’ll be damned if he’s just gonna sit idly by while Lisa and Mark destroy Johnny, nor will he leave his stupid comments in his pocket, Mark!
• Talks about Lisa and Mark potentially breaking up their circle of friends like he’s thick as thieves with this group when I literally just met this mother fucker thirty seconds ago.
• Likens Lisa’s deception toward Johnny to sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off… Could this shit brick please chill out for just five seconds?
• Seriously… who the FUCK is this guy?!

You might think that I just spoiled the entire movie for you, but what you just read isn’t even the half of it. Not even close. This entire review barely scratches the surface.

Interestingly enough, now that the film has become a cult hit, best-worst film sensation, Wiseau has been trying to convince everyone that the film was always meant to be an absurd dark comedy, a retroactive take that I don’t buy one bit. The man thought he was making the twenty-first century version of Marlon Brando’s A Streetcar Named Desire, and submitted it for Oscar contention when he first released it. Plus, pretty much everyone else involved in the film, from Greg Sestero on down, has said Wiseau originally insisted he was making an earnest dramatic masterpiece.

So Tommy can call it a comedy all he wants now, but in the words of Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Judgment: Defying all logic, rhyme or reason, comprehension – hell, even the laws of physics, The Room will have you scratching your head so furiously you’ll burrow a hole straight through your skull and into your brain. But you’ll be laughing while doing so, so you at least have that. One thing’s for certain: unlike the myriad of random, totally disconnected and completely unnecessary story threads this film just brings up only to then flat-out abandon, you will surely never ever forget this.

Sentence: Prisoner’s choice…

• Community service and restitution paying off Denny’s drug debts.
• Court mandated therapy sessions with Dr. Peter, where you’ll be forced to take in all his generic, cookie cutter advice he picked up from Googling “What are things a sich… siekol… sykolojist… a mind doctor would say?”
• Ten years of being forced to watch a loop of Johnny and Lisa’s sex scenes by way of the A Clockwork Orange Ludovico technique. Here come the eye clamps.
• Life imprisonment… but the good news is it turns out you definitely have cancer, so you might get lucky and die early on in the sentence. Death may be no picnic, but it sure beats having to watch Johnny fuck a belly button.