Against the Dark

Cast of Characters:
Tao – Steven Seagal
Tagart – Tanoai Reed
Cross – Linden Ashby
Dorothy – Jenna Harrison
Morgan – Danny Midwinter
Lt. Waters – Keith David

Director – Richard Crudo
Writer – Matthew Klickstein
Producer – Phillip B. Goldfine
Distributor – Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Running Time – 93 minutes
Rated R for bloody violence/gore, some language and brief nudity.

A worldwide epidemic disease has turned nearly everyone into rabid and ravenous zombies.

Wait a minute… vampires?

Okay, so this zombie-looking vampire infection has overwhelmed the world. A group of survivors – Dorothy (Jenna Harrison), Morgan (Danny Midwinter), Amelia (Emma Catherwood), Ricky (Stephen Hagan), Dylan (Daniel Percival) and Charlotte (Skye Bennett) – have taken shelter in an abandoned hospital that’s not all that abandoned, as it’s completely overrun by the infected. Good move, gang.

Cut the group some slack, though, ’cause this will hardly be the only time their blatant idiocy is on full display.

Initially, all hope seems lost, and to be honest, with as many stupid decisions as the group has made, they kinda have it coming. But never fear! ‘Cause hope has been revived with the arrival of Tao (Steven Seagal). The infected cower in fear, as his presence looms large over them, and boy, do I mean large. Like really large… Morbidly and unhealthily large.

Turns out, Tao learned these survivors laid out a sweet buffet spread of stank-ass, expired food they found rummaging through the kitchen and dammit if his appetite ain’t the only thing in this world more voracious than the infected. But in the meantime, his team of hunters might as well rescue the survivors too, if for no other reason than to point Tao in the direction of the food. Time is of the essence, though everyone’s casual way of strolling through the hospital would lead you to believe otherwise. The army is planning on sterilizing the area at dawn, which is the politically correct way of saying those surivors are about to get their asses carpet bombed out of the galaxy. So, it’s crucial everyone makes it out of the hospital by then, but no, by all means, feel free to take your time. Until then, it will be Steven Seagal…

Wait for it… You know what’s coming…

Against the Dark.

Rated R for retarded.

Ten Lessons Learned:

1) Among the many strengths possessed by zombies, their fiercest is an unrelenting responsibility in maintaining utility bills, ’cause that hospital generator had to have kicked the bucket months ago, yet something’s been keeping the power going.

2) Zombies are attracted to cigarette smoke… because they have a disease… and that disease is called addiction.

3) While both brushing and flossing are vital in the prevention of tooth decay, it’s even more important to never neglect filing your teeth down into jagged, horrifically cut up shards. Get up in there real deep and put some elbow grease into it.

4) Zombies love to hang their bloodied and disemboweled prey from the ceiling. Not sure what HGTV show gave them that home decor tip, but it gives the hospital hallways a nice touch that combines old-world medieval torture charm with modern chic.

5) When you’re in no hurry to make it out of the violent zombie attack you’re in the middle of, feel free to get the friends together and set up a nice meal like it’s Thanksgiving dinner. Don’t mind all that green moldy shit on top. That’s just extra flavor, and don’t forget to start by saying what you’re most thankful for. For example, “I’m thankful I haven’t yet been picked off by one of these psychotic creatures, despite making it such an easy layup for them.”

6) Don’t sit so close to Dorothy. Not ’cause she’s infected, she’s just a bitch.

7) When you’re starting to get exhausted from all the casual walking and long breaks you’ve had to endure, feel free to take a nap in the hallway. Not in a locked closet. Not in a barricaded room. Just right there, out in the open, in the widely exposed hallway.

8) These zombies present the next step in evolution for the monster. They think. They talk. They plan. They do everything but simply reach their hand through shattered windows and unlock the door to the room the victim’s hid themselves in.

9) When one of your hunters is immediately taken by a zombie, it’s okay to show not even the slightest amount of shit given. She probably had it coming anyway.

10) I’m still trying to figure out whether Steven Seagal’s walk was edited for slow-motion, or if that’s just his actual pace.

So, first things first. You’re probably wondering what’s the deal with these monsters. Are they zombies or are they vampires? The way they’re presented in the film clearly says zombies. The characters always refer to them as “the infected” and they certainly behave like zombies. Then again, we also get one very throwaway line from a character that might as well have been, “Oh, yeah, and by the way, they’re vampires now.” But, if they are vampires, they’d be the first vampires I’ve seen that have an appetite for brains, intestines, flesh, and seemingly everything else but blood.

So what happened?

Well, turns out, unsurprisingly, Steven Seagal happened.

Originally, Against the Dark did, in fact, feature zombies as the primary antagonists. However, Seagal, mistakenly believing he still had any pull at this point in his straight-to-video banished career, felt vampires were far more “classier” opponents, and nothing says classier than cheap, direct-to-video schlock led by the worst host in Saturday Night Live history. What I’m convinced happened was that Seagal just finished watching Wesley Snipes’s Blade trilogy, then showed up on set the next day and said to some production assistant, “Hey, man, I just finished watching Snipes’s funny little vampire movies… I didn’t like ’em. I think we can do a better job.” Then, that very underpaid and overworked production assistant, also mistakenly believing Seagal still had any pull whatsoever, took that idea to the director who quickly said, “Sure, whatever. I ain’t getting paid nearly enough to give a fuck.”

At the end of the day, though, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck… you really won’t give a shit, ’cause you’re dead either way.

Of course, being that this is a Steven Seagal film, the man can’t resist any opportunity to wax philosophical in his own unique, cookie cutter way, ’cause – you know… it’s classier. And believe it or not, history has proven that the world of monsters is no stranger to the world of philosophy. Prior to his execution by poisoning, Greek philosopher Socrates gave a dire warning to his fellow Athenians, “αζλααω Ωρτα ψσσβφυα… εδδ… μξνν”, which roughly translates to, “Surely, I saith unto you, zombies art real… Wait… vampires?”

And how could we forget ancient Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius’s famous declaration, “Animus est locus, ubi habitans ipse se facit felicem vel miserum… Cogito ergo sum.”, which translates to “If, God forbid, I am turned, be sure to behead me after the stake has been thrust through my heart and don’t forget to stuff garlic in my head… What the fuck is a zombie?”

Seagal’s philosophizing had reached peak total consciousness in On Deadly Ground. There, we were treated to Lord Steven delivering long-winded, nonsensical diatribes on the importance of environmental discipline, just moments after blowing up nearly all of Alaska. And how can we forget about him punching – yes, LITERALLY PUNCHING – the racism out of bar goons? So what grand, moral wisdom does The Great One have to impart to us now?

“We’re not here to decide who’s right or wrong. We’re here to decide who lives and dies.”

…

What the fuck does that even mean?

He should’ve just stuck to punching out racism. That actually might’ve come in handy here, ’cause I hate to be that guy, but it seemed like the zombies were going a little too hard at Tao’s Samoan sidekick.

And, honestly, even for savagely cannibalistic zombies, that is absolutely intolerable behavior.

Still, it doesn’t matter what fortune cookie nonsense Seagal is blabbering on about, or whether these are vampires or zombies. What matters is getting to witness the Master of Aikido battle monsters like we’ve never seen him before. Or anyone before, for that matter, ’cause I’ve never seen a group of people being hunted down by vicious monsters give less of a shit about the fact that they are indeed being hunted down by vicious monsters. Take a nap. Have a potluck. Enjoy a smoke break. The only way these fucking morons could be any less self-aware of their current dire predicament is if they were dead, which I’m most shocked that they’re not already.

But at least we get to see a duster-donning Seagal go hog wild with a bitchin’ katana. Just look at him go. He wields it so effortlessly, and by effortlessly, I mean he’s clearly putting very little effort into that choreography. It’d take a lightning strike-sized jolt of energy just to bump him up to inert, and no amount of whatever royalty free rock “Kashmir” knockoff you’re putting on full blast after each of his listless one-liners changes that.

“… My name is Tao.”

Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun!

“… I’m goin’ huntin’.”

Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun!

“Hey, man, I just polished off a couple cans of those musty baked beans you left back in the kitchen, and I got a grumpy ’bout to torpedo its way out my asshole.”

Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun! Ba-da-da-dun!

It should come as no surprise by now when I inform you that the most exciting action sequences Against the Dark has to offer is the circles veteran actor Keith David acts around his co-stars like Superman accelerating around Earth at light speed.

I get this isn’t supposed to be high art, or dare I say… classier. Against the Dark isn’t just stupid. It’s stoooooooopid. And the fact that it opens with a dictionary defintion for the word “infect” tells you that it thinks you’re every bit as stoooooooopid as it is, so to expect anything above stupid would make you… well, kinda stupid. But it doesn’t seem like too much to ask for something just a kick or two above comatose. Is it too much to ask for a little bit of concern over what’s happening from the characters? Maybe just the slightest bit of worry? Would you be willing to settle for an apathetic shrug just to let me know you’re at least registering a pulse? When one of your team is suddenly taken by the infected, would it kill you to squeak out even just a half-assed reaction? Hell, move a muscle. Blink even. Do something… anything to indicate you saw the same horror I just saw.

“She didn’t even cry out.”

Uh – yeah, Charlotte, she didn’t. Probably ’cause she saw the shocking lack of response from the rest of you and figured why bother.

Oh, my bad. We get one pained, constipated reaction from Tao, as if he’s thinking, “Yeah… that kinda sucks, kid.” Or maybe he was just in deep thought about what takeout he was gonna get after completing the mission? Who knows?

I know who doesn’t know. That poor woman you just let die.

And, of course, Tao has to close the deal by placing the girls’ salvation in the hands of Dylan, the biggest pussy in the group. He gets handed a fully automatic pistol and told not to spend it one place. Amazingly, he then proceeds to prove everyone’s doubts immediately right by not only being utterly useless, but also frantically unloading on the first zombie he enounters. Luckily, though, he manages to save the day, just like a blind squirrel manages to find a nut once in a while. It only took point-blank range and a zombie having its back turned to him while she rambled on and on and on with her big grandiose villain speech. Great work, Dylan!

It’s like the zombie kill version of bowling a strike with the gutter guards up.

Judgment: Chaotic editing, nonsensical dialogue, total lack of any sense of urgency, lifeless acting – Against the Dark is cheap in every sense of the word. Bram Stoker popularized the vampire story. George A. Romero revolutionized the modern zombie movie. This film may not have the slightest fucking clue as to which iconic monster it has, but if either Stoker or Romero had the gift of foresight, far enough to see this film get the greenlit, they’d set their first drafts on fire.

Sentence: Fifteen years hitting the Hibachi Grill with Steven Seagal. You think he spares no prisoners when slaughtering zombies? Try fighting him for the last plate at the buffet line.

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